Feeling Lost

Year-end reflections.

It’s the last day of the year. I’m not really sentimental about the occasion. It just so happened that I have been at home for half a month, been not going to work, just playing games, watching movies and sleeping all day — in short I am terribly bored.

It’s 4 A.M. I’m supposed to be asleep. Instead I’m in the kitchen with my laptop, feeling I have something to say.

There is this feeling that burdens me. I feel I have to figure out some things about myself. That there is a kind of satisfaction that I want to achieve. I feel I have to determine where will I go, or what should I do, or know what do I have that will be beneficial to my surroundings. I have been saying I am feeling lost. But I realize, where is my destination in the first place? Where do I belong?

I decided to make some reflections. To look within. I suppose our maps and compasses are within us.

Firstly, what do I want? At our high school year book, I said I want to become a famous painter. I was really invested into arts. I don’t know what happened but I ended up here, producing words, not paintings.

Sometimes I find it hard to say what do I want. I’ve learned that I might be wrong. Or that I will end up on the opposite side. But if right now a genie appeared and will grant three of my wishes: I think it will be–happiness for my family and friends, balance in the society, and peace for myself.

I don’t think I can reveal all of my desires, but maybe I can name a few that will guide me to go on.

What stops me? From my dreams. From my goals. I’d like to say there is a lot. Like money, time, abilities. Even science and law. But I realized, these are given things. They are already there before I even started. If I fail, I cannot blame them. Everybody encounters them. If I cannot go further, it’s not because of the turns and the humps on the road, it’s because I gave up.

What really stops me are coming from myself: like doubts, fears, discipline.

What can I give? I have clothes. I have knowledge. I have time. I also think I have many things and capabilities I have yet to find. But if I were just the same as everyone, if I will look at myself as plain person, a stranger – I only have two things: my strengths and weaknesses. And out of those two, I wish to give what’s beneficial.

What am I? I am a son, a sibling, a student in many ways, a worker, a friend, a dreamer, a neighbor, a citizen. The list goes on. But I think it all ends up to one: I am a liver. A living, feeling being. And I think I have to focus on that. I have to do things that will make me feel alive.

I'm sorry if this write-up didn't make so much sense. I really just wanted to release.

– Jerico Silvers

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